Tuesday, November 06, 2007

The Black Dog and the Little White Pills

For the past twelve years I have battled with's not a constant thing...sometimes it comes along because I get to worrying about things out of my control and then I start getting anxious and teary and it all gets to much. Other comes out of nowhere for no good reason and leaves me feeling devestated.

For the past month I haven't been coping. I have no energy for anything, thinking hurts, I can't make decisions, I get hungry but don't know what to eat or I forget to eat, anger bubbles inside me constantly, I'm short tempered, snappy, with no reason, I feel worthless, unimportant and unwanted. And I can't stop crying.

I have no good reason to feel like this...I am surrounded by people who love me, I have good kids that really aren't any trouble, a husband who is always there, supportive, loving parents, and friends that are closer than any sister could ever be. But feel like this I do...and I just can't see any way out of it.

Usually when I get to feeling like this I start taking my St Johns Wort and things start to even out and I am ok again for a while....this time however it's not helping. The black dog has me and he's not wanting to let go.

On Friday I snapped, I broke down in the counsellors office at school. And I realised I can't go on like my mum said "You aren't living at the moment Jib, you are barely even existing." I want my life back....I want the me back that I barely remember. I hate feeling like this...I hate that Crocket, Boo and Lolly have to live with this me....I hate that I worry my parents and friends when I am like this...I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT!!!!

On Friday I did something about it...I called my doctor. I went yesterday afternoon and poured it all out to him. He has set the wheels in motion to help me get over this. I have a box of little white pills that are hopefully going to help me out of this blackness...even though this morning I feel queasy and lethargic. And more importantly I have an appointment with a psychologist.

That scares the crap out of me...I am nervous about the date now circled on my calendar. I keep looking at it and feeling that my tummy is full of date on a calendar full of our busy lives for the next few weeks.

But I will go! My husband and kids deserve me back, my family and friends deserve to have me back....and I guess I deserve to have the real me back....I want the real me back. And if that means taking these white pills and talking to a complete stranger then thats what I'll do.