Monday, November 19, 2007

Look What Arrived.... our house today!

Mother and babies are all doing well. Until we take a closer look it appears we have six little girls and one boy!

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Thank You

Today while looking through some quotes for scrapbooking I came across this thought written by a writter named Sahar Ashraf. She said "friendship is not just the name of an ordinary feeling.but it is the name of the feelings of understanding,honesty and frankness between two persons.and these feelings keep the two very special persons bounded together and such a frienship lies in two of us."

I am lucky enough to have two very special people in my life who I feel this way about. They are there with me through my ups and downs, they have listened to me cry and rage when I have no sane reason to do so...and cry themselves because they don't know how to help me, they share in my joys, the pride in my children, my loves, they constantly reassure and set my mind at ease. In simple terms...they love me for what I am....for how I am.

Mum...Bec...I know that this battle is hard on you both...but I feel confident that I can win this battle knowing that both of you are walking beside me on this bumpy road.

I love you both...and can never thank you enough.


Tuesday, November 06, 2007

The Black Dog and the Little White Pills

For the past twelve years I have battled with's not a constant thing...sometimes it comes along because I get to worrying about things out of my control and then I start getting anxious and teary and it all gets to much. Other comes out of nowhere for no good reason and leaves me feeling devestated.

For the past month I haven't been coping. I have no energy for anything, thinking hurts, I can't make decisions, I get hungry but don't know what to eat or I forget to eat, anger bubbles inside me constantly, I'm short tempered, snappy, with no reason, I feel worthless, unimportant and unwanted. And I can't stop crying.

I have no good reason to feel like this...I am surrounded by people who love me, I have good kids that really aren't any trouble, a husband who is always there, supportive, loving parents, and friends that are closer than any sister could ever be. But feel like this I do...and I just can't see any way out of it.

Usually when I get to feeling like this I start taking my St Johns Wort and things start to even out and I am ok again for a while....this time however it's not helping. The black dog has me and he's not wanting to let go.

On Friday I snapped, I broke down in the counsellors office at school. And I realised I can't go on like my mum said "You aren't living at the moment Jib, you are barely even existing." I want my life back....I want the me back that I barely remember. I hate feeling like this...I hate that Crocket, Boo and Lolly have to live with this me....I hate that I worry my parents and friends when I am like this...I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT!!!!

On Friday I did something about it...I called my doctor. I went yesterday afternoon and poured it all out to him. He has set the wheels in motion to help me get over this. I have a box of little white pills that are hopefully going to help me out of this blackness...even though this morning I feel queasy and lethargic. And more importantly I have an appointment with a psychologist.

That scares the crap out of me...I am nervous about the date now circled on my calendar. I keep looking at it and feeling that my tummy is full of date on a calendar full of our busy lives for the next few weeks.

But I will go! My husband and kids deserve me back, my family and friends deserve to have me back....and I guess I deserve to have the real me back....I want the real me back. And if that means taking these white pills and talking to a complete stranger then thats what I'll do.