CLICK HERE FOR BLOGGER TEMPLATES AND MYSPACE LAYOUTS »

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

The Black Dog and the Little White Pills

For the past twelve years I have battled with depression...it's not a constant thing...sometimes it comes along because I get to worrying about things out of my control and then I start getting anxious and teary and it all gets to much. Other times...like now...it comes out of nowhere for no good reason and leaves me feeling devestated.

For the past month I haven't been coping. I have no energy for anything, thinking hurts, I can't make decisions, I get hungry but don't know what to eat or I forget to eat, anger bubbles inside me constantly, I'm short tempered, snappy, with no reason, I feel worthless, unimportant and unwanted. And I can't stop crying.

I have no good reason to feel like this...I am surrounded by people who love me, I have good kids that really aren't any trouble, a husband who is always there, supportive, loving parents, and friends that are closer than any sister could ever be. But feel like this I do...and I just can't see any way out of it.

Usually when I get to feeling like this I start taking my St Johns Wort and things start to even out and I am ok again for a while....this time however it's not helping. The black dog has me and he's not wanting to let go.

On Friday I snapped, I broke down in the counsellors office at school. And I realised I can't go on like this...as my mum said "You aren't living at the moment Jib, you are barely even existing." I want my life back....I want the me back that I barely remember. I hate feeling like this...I hate that Crocket, Boo and Lolly have to live with this me....I hate that I worry my parents and friends when I am like this...I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT!!!!

On Friday I did something about it...I called my doctor. I went yesterday afternoon and poured it all out to him. He has set the wheels in motion to help me get over this. I have a box of little white pills that are hopefully going to help me out of this blackness...even though this morning I feel queasy and lethargic. And more importantly I have an appointment with a psychologist.

That scares the crap out of me...I am nervous about the date now circled on my calendar. I keep looking at it and feeling that my tummy is full of butterflies....one date on a calendar full of our busy lives for the next few weeks.

But I will go! My husband and kids deserve me back, my family and friends deserve to have me back....and I guess I deserve to have the real me back....I want the real me back. And if that means taking these white pills and talking to a complete stranger then thats what I'll do.

0 comments: